a love letter to friendship

Connection holds undeniable value in a world as bleak as ours. Find your friends, hold them close, don't let them go.

I have spent much of my 25th year learning how to open my heart to new experiences. I started therapy around this time last year and in my first session, we talked about friendship. I explained that I didn’t have many friends, and the ones I held close to me had moved away, out of arms reach. I told my therapist that as lonely as I was, I wasn’t interested in making friends. I thought I didn’t want to put in the time and effort to get to know people who could never live up to the expectations set by my already-established friendships, but realistically, I didn’t want to let myself be vulnerable with strangers just to risk losing them down the line. 

It’s funny looking back at these sessions now, seeing how although I thought of myself as an open person, I was so closed off to the unknown, to anything that required vulnerability as a key to shedding my loneliness. I had experiences through middle school and high school with groups of friends who hurt me, and I think that pain never really goes away, even if it’s been more than a decade and even if you’ve managed to foster individual friendships in the meantime. 

It’s also funny looking back at these sessions now because as of today, I have managed to form and hold close to me a handful of friendships that are all interlinked, and all so special and worthy of my time, energy, and vulnerability. Over the summer, through the power of a desire to distribute my needs through a community rather than just a partner, I met some of the sweetest, funniest, most gentle people. It’s like one morning I woke up and suddenly had a group of friends, and I still don’t really understand where they came from. 

I value these friendships so much, and I laugh at the resistance I put forth a year ago. I was so certain that I didn’t need people around me, that the problem was coming from my heart and not my lack of connection. Having been deep in these friendships for eight months or so now, I realize that the cure to that hollow loneliness you feel is oftentimes found in connection with people who accept you for who you are and want to see you sparkle. I think a piece of me knew this, deep down, because the way I feel around these new friends is the way I’ve felt around my best friend since we met. I don’t think I realized that she laid the groundwork and showed me what I deserved. I thought I didn’t need anybody else because I had her and I had a partner and that was enough for me, but I recognize that this is just the way we are meant to feel around all of the people in our life. Loved, welcomed, accepted, cherished. 

As I move into a new rotation around the sun, I can say for certain that this past year has been the most enlightening for me in my adult life. I have gone through immense changes to the way I view myself and the world around me, and I have learned how to hold so much more space for my feelings, desires, and needs. There is something so painful about reflecting on the growth you’ve experienced over time, it feels that I have an obligation to mourn all past versions of myself to fully celebrate the person I have become today. But what a beautiful thing, to be able to mourn and celebrate at the same time. 

25 taught me that remaining patient and existing in the world entirely as yourself will bring the right people your way, and the right people will stay. For all the challenging and heartbreaking times I have experienced this year, there have been a million more moments full of love and blessings that I will never fully be able to comprehend. If I could show my younger self everything I have become, everyone I have pulled into my orbit, she would burst with admiration.

-B